My Lovers

Friday, January 9, 2009

Today, My heart is broken

9:23 PM Justine 4 comments
I feel as though my heart has been shattered. I'm so lost.

I miss being a kid, I didn't have to worry about anything. Life was so simple and easy, and my days were planned hour by hour.

I hate hurting people, good people. I guess it's apart of living, getting hurt. I hate hurting myself. I'm scared to turn the corners of my life to see what's next. whats living if your just gunna be scared. I'm not gunna lie, I've never been so scared and felt so alone before.

I just told my best friend and boyfriend, Matt, I didn't want to see him anymore. I feel as if I ripped my own heart out, pushing away the only person that really loves me. Sometimes I think I'm making a huge mistake but everything happens for a reason. Never live in regret because the best parts of life will pass you by. Good only gets better...

Tonight I am babysitting two beautiful boys, free spirits. I worked with their mother at the Spa and she's amazing. She reads palms and she gave me some insight on what my future holds. My love line and fate line cross about right now in my life. Which translates to someone that I will meet very soon will be in my life forever, fate will bring us together, and my time is now. It's all so silly to believe so I won't take it too seriously.

All I have is to look to tomorrow for a better day, because today my heart is broken.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hiya,

I hope you are hanging in there - breakups are tough. Those darn emotional attachments and cut deep.

Can you elaborate on why you decided to end it with him?

My first reaction was ... alfie. Isn't that the movie where it was boyfriend season ??? Obviously there is more going on there but curious a bit about the timing of it all ... ie .. after hawaii ... and idaho visit ... etc.

I always found it better to be in a relationship (ok a healthy one) than out of one. Unless you enjoy the club scene and all that goes with it ... I don't particularly.

So ... how have your friends reacted to this ... do any of them really know what you need or want from them ? Then you have your mutual friends - ugh.

Care to talk more about it ???

January 20, 2009 at 9:20 PM
Justine said...

ha im glad your transition from Livejournal to blogspot was smooth reading!

I've always had a boyfriend, and I'm very lucky to have met two amazing men in my life already! But I'm at a place in my life where I want to be selfish and not have to explain any details to anyone if I don't want to.

This is a time to find myself and live life with no wondering what could have been. It's not just about going out, but reconnecting with friends and living life how I want to, not according to someone elses agenda, no restrictions.

My friends are overjoyed that I'm single again. I have to agree I'm a pretty fun person when I'm not tied down. And suprisingly I hated all of matts friends, so we have NO MUTUAL friends. I guess this makes things very clean for both of us.

January 21, 2009 at 12:18 PM
Anonymous said...

I guess there is a balance that needs to happen.

I find that many friends are fair weather and like to have people around in the same boat regardless if the direction of the boat is in a healthy direction. Of course if many of your friends are still in party mode than of course they will be thrilled to have you around. However - most people are looking for that special connection - so when they find it they will bolt from that lifestyle and not look back (as you probably did you when you met your last boyfriend).

I guess the trick is to find that special person that allows you to keep your identity or at least the identity you like to keep. Those connections are neat and very rewarding and dwarf the attraction of single or dating life.

I dated this girl for over a year that loved me to death but at the same time didn't keep her identity - meaning she changed some of the natural ways about herself unknowingly to please me I suppose (sometimes the stronger personality survives if that makes sense) and I ended up not liking her so much because of the change and she ended up feeling a little lost about who she really was. Good intentions from both of us ... but bad result ultimately. It sucks that it happens.

Another time I was dating this awesome girl and I kept thinking ... is she the one? Is this it? It's never like the movies - haha. Those questions in a way ended up haunting me because I never really answer them. Eventually she got tired of waiting for a deeper commitment from me and moved on.

Do any of those make sense?

Last thought - since you brought up your father issue again. I think that might relate to your own relationships in some way. Certainly there is some resentment to your mom but I wonder if you are alike in many ways as well. Do you see any parallels? That's probably a more important question than you would think.

For what it is worth ... it seems like you are a pretty fun person single or double. The circumstances are just different. I suppose the REAL justine is somewhere in between.

Mend your heart and I trust the next time you open it up it works out better for you.

January 22, 2009 at 12:01 AM
Anonymous said...

No reaction ?

January 30, 2009 at 10:58 AM

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